Of all the art I made over the course of the last year, I decide to upload this? A whole year of 3D modeling, drawing, both traditional and digital and this gets posted? What the hell is wrong with me?
I don't know. Apparently my 2D art style is heading towards more stylized direction. But I think it's just a matter of inspiration why after a year of inactivity (as far as uploading art concerns) I decided to post the most recent drawing, which is the one you see.
Lutka. That's a word we use in Balcain for a marionette. The drawing in particular was inspired by a song by Serbian band S.A.R.S., titled Lutka (www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8Ms56…
. I was listening to it through most of the day and oddly enough the more I listened to it, the more I liked it.
Generally I dislike balcain music, but every now and then I hear a song from the countries of former Yugoslavia and it gets stuck in my head. Lutka is one of those, and especially I like the lyrics, which is also a bit related to the drawing above, however, it's mostly a story behind it.
I linked it to a friend of mine and turns out she's really a fan of the song. Then she pasted part of the lyrics "ti si cilj mog lutanja i predmet pobude, razlog mog drhtanja, boja moje požude", which somewhat translates to "You're the destination of me wandering, a subject of inspiration; a reason for my shivers, a colour of my lust." Now, before anyone starts to wonder - yes, she's taken, no, I'm not in love with her, now can we proceed?
Okay; after that, I wrote back "I have yet to find the destination of my wander..." and I thought about it for a second. It was followed by me writing "now that I think of it, maybe that's why I feel kind of lost most of the time in my life..." and that's when it really struck me. I'm single for my whole life, although I have many female friends. My social life is far from bad, but it still feels there's something missing.
For my whole life, I was mostly pursuing my passion - art, design, animation. I love my friends, my family and my colleagues, we always had good time and I never felt really deep need for 'that special someone'. Over the years, as the pressure of life became stronger, we got into our proffessions more and more; more work for school and jobs, friends got girlfriends and boyfriends, so did my cousins and our interests started drifting away; although we still hang out a lot, we aren't as close as we were, all ending up in realisation it's hard to share your feelings with anyone anymore, since people have a lot of other stuff to worry about.
So, the drawing. First verse of the song goes "Ko mi tebe uze? Ko mi tebe posla?" which, if I got it right, translates something like "Who takes you away from me? Who's making you for me?", it might not make sense at first, but if you imagine it's a marionette in the making, it does. After that, almost entire song goes as if they're talking about a real person. Applying this to the drawing and the explanation above, it'd go as... who is the girl that is about to become my companion? What is she doing, is she becoming a girl I'll fall in love with? Or there simply is none? In my life, there haven't been many girls that would make my 'partner in crime'. Someone who would spark my imagination, inspire me, make me push the limits, make me think about what I do; and better yet, would expect the same from me.
But hey, since until here, it all sounds like whining 'oh I need a girlfriend', easy, easy. Those of you who know me might have seen that coming: I know what I'm doing. There is a reason why I never really worked on getting a girlfriend. The reason is that I don't know where life will get me and I don't want that one person that means that much to me to suffer for that. Wouldn't it be selfish from me to get someone to hand their heart and soul over to me, only to take it with me far away? Wouldn't it be foolish from me, to do the same, give my heart and soul and all that makes me who I am to that person, only to go away, the moon being the one thing that we can look at together and wonder what time is it where they are?*
What if I never left? The pain would be the same, because I never want to wonder what would happen if I kept following my dreams, pursuing career in motion picture and make my legacy. I'm heading towards that dream of mine, like a hungry wolf following the scent of a wounded deer. There might be something interesting on the way, but the animal instinct is telling him to follow where the heart wants. Yes, it's tempting. No, it's not an option. It's not a choice, really, it's who I am.
OK, the essay can stop here now. So that goes to all the people who ever wondered who I am, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it.
*keeping in mind the fact that most of entertainment (gaming, animation) industry takes place in North America and I originate in Europe